hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
we spatial statisticians discovered that americanoids use 19% of the fossil fuels you burn every year producing and transporting your food
for us this is a plutonian paradox
because 19% is the same amount of energy your nation uses to do what you're probably doing right now and that's driving your cars
we dogstar data junkies discovered the average piece of food is transported 1500 miles to your planetary piehole
which means it takes 10 calories of fossil fuels to produce 1 calorie of food
it gets weirder
a third of homo sapiens diets are junk foods, which delivers the most empty calories
and requires more oil to produce
cosmic confusion……it's like you're eating oil
soon the mcdonalds drive thru will start lubing your lips with a petroleum pattied big mac
this week's 10w30, quaker state, apple pie, loaf and jug, green house gases, microwave burrito, miles per gulp, put on the feedbag, masticate, mouth organ, mouth watering alien truth
the average u.s. humanoid's food funnel takes in 3,747 calories per day.
and according to the fda, you should eat 2500 calories daily
my lucy in the sky shipmates have a gas saving idea for you
just eat real food and less of it
and you'll both use and have less gas
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
last time we deep space dingdongs checked
cowboys ride horses, mail carriers pilot those funky white trucks, captain kirk lightspeeds it in the u.s.s. enterprise and blue planet policeman cruise in crown victorias
we recently discovered ford motor company told all your terrestrial flatfoots across the nation that they will phase out the crown victoria police cruiser in 2011
and from our orbital observations cops and crown vics are intimately connected like cops and guns or cops and doughnuts!
we couldn't imagine our world without a spaceship and can't conceive a copper without his crown vic
humanoids, this is like telling hans solo the millenium falcon is no more
and worse? this u.s. made  4400 lb rolling battlestar gallactica will be replaced with the wimpy ford taurus
so  next time you see a police car on the roadside he's probably stalled and it's not a spatial speed trap….whew
this week's fuzz, robocop, 6 passenger seating, apollo13, column mounted gear shift, deathstar, with no crown vic what will cops on tv ram the bad boy car with to spin him out alien truth
as always….we planetary perps are perplexed
why do cops and 100 yr old women drive the same kind of car?
maybe all those crown vics should be replaced with bikes
they use no gas and some of your policeman could really use the exercise
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
we deep space deranged dudes may have found the 4th dimension
most of you know it as the mysterious place where single dryer socks go
it's also why you only see one shoe on the shoulder of the highway
us spacekooks believe the 4th dimension is controlled by your very own transportation security administration…
the airport tsa
we have observed in just one year…they confiscated over 13million banned travel items
some items like guns and ammo end up with law enforcement, others are e-bayed
but most are lost forever, tsa launches them,  never to return, into this unknown dimension of the fourth kind
in our search we discovered shampoo and other more than 3oz liquids are secretly disposed of by private contractors
we were confused? only in america can you find a contractor to treat head and shoulders like a blackwater bio hazard?
this week's 4 dimensional plastic ziplock bag,  liquids, aerosols, gels, body piercings, head coverings, what do you mean i can't carry this can of gasoline on board alien truth?
humanoids….the 4th dimension is no carry on conundrum
because we spatialcowboys believe the 4th dimension is deep within the bowels of your airports
where at the end of a tough tsa day
all the really good confiscated stuff get divvied up like pirate bootie
never to be found again
ack ack
 

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
after many abductions and probings, we're perplexed by the human body
some of it's functions are amazing and others quite weird
take the forceful explusion of the contents of one's stomach through the mouth and/or nose
you call it throwing up
recently we orbitally observed chicago taxi drivers want a law passed to force customers to pay $50 for discharging their digestive systems in their back seat of their cabs
when a human deposits bodily fluids it could be considered a black hole biohazard
so maybe $50 is too cheap to clean up after an inebriated homo sapien?
look, there's not much on your planet us galactic goofballs can identify with
but here we have extraterrestrial empathy
because in space you can't hear someone scream but there's no avoiding a venutian vomiting in the vacuum of space
this week's emesis, gag me with a spoon, reverse peristalsis, i've got the whirlies, dinty moore, superchunks,, who idea was this anyway? ralph, chuck? alien truth
the easy solution?  a black hole barf bag, no laws or fees required.
but after the hair raising, up and down, swerving, high speed, knuckle clenching rides i've had in space capsules and in chicago cabs
it might be worth the 50 bucks to down a family size can of spaghettios and chase it with a bottle of syrup of ipecac just to get even
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
congratulation humanoids european astronomers have discovered the first  "solid ground" planet outside your solar system
unlike many planets that are composed of dense gases and hot air like saturn, jupiter, uranus and rush limbaugh
this planet is made out of rock similar to the rock you all live on called earth
but there are a few minor differences, it's 500 light years away, it's 3600 degrees and the ground is lava
it's already been nicknamed the lava planet
and humans are already trying to figure out a way to import lava soap and lava lamps at a cheaper price than from china
actually lava planet sounds more like a homo sapiens digestive system after too much indian curry
this week's thirty rock, rock and roll, rocky road, rocky horror picture show, rocky and bullwinkle, rock out, rock on, rock band, rock of ages, solid as a rock, rockgod, third rock from the sun, lava los manos alien truth
again….we tip our tinfoil space hats  to the astronomers that finally found a spot outside our solar system where there's a firm place to stand if only it weren't so hot
but we gas giant gurus must ask should fox news be broadcasting live from there?
because it might be the first solid ground they've ever been on.
ack ack

hey earthlings it’s me your alien friend
we lunar lager lovers noticed some strange correlations between your blue planet and beer
there’s 12oz in a beer glass and 12 mos in your calendar
there’s your 24 hour day and 24 beer bottles in a case?
even in our wildest deep space dreams could we imagine that beer and climate change would catastrophically collide
now climatologist martin mozny of the czech hydrometeorological institute says the quality of saaz hops - the delicate variety used to make pilsner lager - has been decreasing.
the culprit is global warming, increased air temperatures means bad brew
and nothing depresses us black hole beer belchers than warm, flat beer
we wonder? humanoids have created bio fuels, is bio beer next?
giving new meaning to drinking and driving!
this weeks 99 bottles of beer on the wall, hoppy, burpy, beer muscles, mothership wit, duff, pub crawl, sweet wort alien truth
us cosmic climaticians ask if the human race has ridden mother earth hard and put her away wet too many times?
and for those homo sapiens who aren't  worried about warming ?
frankly, we've seen better heads on a glass of beer
but, if all the beer drinkers of your world took notice to save their suds
we planetary pilsner lovers may witness a dramatic change
after all didn't the humanoid ben franklin say?
beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
we martians are used to being mocked by humans
but this week we orbitally observed homosapiens make fun of one of your own species
japans next first lady miyuki hatoyama  recounted a past experience
she was quoted as saying  "while my body was asleep, i think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped ufo, and went to venus,"
sure she may have built a devils tower out of sushi in her living room
but this obviously well traveled, well put together first lady of the universe has our venutian vote of confidence
my lucy in the sky shipmates and i really don’t see what the big deal is anyway, after all women are from venus, right?
this week's  fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars, sally ride, astral projection,  i'm turning japanese, i really think so, yoko ono, karaoke, space truckin, happy ending alien truth
you sarcastic humanoids are  probably wondering if miyuki traveled coach, businesss or first class?
or did her ufo have "made in japan" stamped on it?
but we more serious spatial types know the truth
her ufo trip wasn't a dream because it was yours truly who abducted and probed this  hatoyama ninja cougar
and you can slap us around for saying it but what she doesn’t remember is that  she's also been to uranus
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
sometimes the human race displays behavior that can tick off even an extraterrestrial
and that's a big deal because we've literally got no skin in the game
in particular the humanoid footballer michael vick has caused us some astronomical angstorama
we have orbitally observed the dirty dogfighting and the planetary imprisonment
actually, your blue planet nation should be commended for your level of forgiveness and understanding
because by torturing animals vick created his own personal dick…cheney animal planet
as usual we get all cosmically confused on your world
because despite vick's earthly indiscretions he gets a pass and  back into the neptunian nfl??
again…..we are doppler dopes…..we're bewildered? this is  so illogical it's like a mr. spock beatdown
this week's fido, give fifi a second chance, "hike" on this for a while, bondsbailmen,  dog licks his butt and then your face,  woof woof,  the eagle has landed, pete rose, shoeless joe jackson alien truth
attn earthlings….michael vick gives homo sapiens a bad name
technically shouldn't he be banned for illegal gambling?
frankly,  it's humanoids like this that spook us spatial types
because when we say take us to your leader we're hoping it's not a guy who drowns and electrocutes dogs
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
recently  your blue planet astronomers found an extraterrestrial exception to a rocksolid  rule of the universe
they detected a planet, 1000 light years away, that spins backwards
anyway, your human stargazers called this dyslexic planet wasp17
we've given it a simple neptunian nickname…

the bassackwards planet
look, no matter what you call it we find it amusing that your god found time to intelligently design a planet with such an eccentric orbit
but we fear this planet has been drinking, smoking and texting while orbiting and worry it could plow into an interstellar suv full of little asteroids any minute now
this weeks wasp17, r2d2, duplicating ray,  dancing madly backwards, retrograde,  angel food cake, spin on this for a while, chaotic attractor, bizarro world alien truth
ok you're probably thinking humanoids have discovered earth's exact opposite across the universe
a bizzarro world of evil supermen, where everything and everyone acts backwards
but we astronuts have some about face au contraire news for you
but alas….wasp17  is normal and it's your  world that is bizzarro #1
because nobody brings the crazy better than earth and that's why we love you
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
we are quantumly clueless about your human healthcare   
it may be the only blue planet product or service that no one knows how much it costs, it's stealthcare
you're at the doctor and have no idea how much that rectal thermometerology will cost
inversely, your doctor doesn't know how much he'll get paid to take your tush's temperature
so strange on earth where everything and everyone has a price
and to deepen this black hole bizarro world scenario
now old white people are being spatially spooked

by talk of earthly euthanasia
so we must ask the cosmic question
now that paula abdul is out of a job will she be named as a judge on the death panel mandated by the healthcare reform bill?
this week's singlepayer, obamacare will give your grandmother the swine flu,  preexisting condition called poverty,  your physician has less information about your body than your mechanic has about your car, soylent green is yummy for your tummy alien truth
this might be a martian moment
where the human race needs some alien assistance
kinda like the pyramids
so we'll  propose our new and improved alien healthcare program
we beam you up
probe and repair you for a flat fee
then we send you back down
and like a rhesus monkey you'll be donating your body to science while you're still living in it
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
us neptunian nutjobs have noticed americans love popping pills
vitamins, supplements, ibuprophen, viagra and now anti-depressants
we orbitally observed a new study that shows twice as many of you are on anti depressants than 10 years ago
last year 164million prescriptions were written in unreadable handwriting for 27 million americanoids all hopped up on happy pills
holy gas giant…that's 1 in 13 u.s. homosapiens on legal mind altering drugs
set the wayback machine sherman…..it sounds like the 60's……
but we're perplexed?
despite all the planetary prozac prescriptions no one seems to really know what's the cause the black hole bum out?
this week's you're making less money? your president isn't a citizen? michael is dead? di-lithium crystals,  the weather is whacky? you can flashtrade and i can't, i miss you billy mays?  too many wall street bonuses? you can't get healthcare? your god isn't greater than theirs? turn your head and cough zoloft, tom cruise is going to be pissed about this alien truth
as always we klaatu kiddos are confused
if you're now using twice as much of these mental medications then shouldn't human happiness double or sadness be cut in half?
so we must ask? america? is your pillbox half empty or half full?
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
less than 12 hours ago we orbitally observed a momentous meeting of the minds on your blue planet
3 high profile humanoids popped their caps  and started a dialogue fueled by the amber colored liquid you call beer
president obama turned your whitehouse into a watering hole for some deep space de-escalation
between harvard professor henry louis gates jr. and james crowley, the police sergeant who arrested him
we've noticed that minorities, people of color in your country are targeted by law enforcement more often then others
you can't even imagine what happens when one of us green ones gets pulled over by the man late nite.
anyway why didn't martin luther king think of a meeting like this ?
one beer and all racism melts away. hopefully they split a 40 ounce martian malt liquor?
this week’s fat tire, bluemoon,  hoppy, burpy, beer muscles,  99 bottles of beer on the wall, sudsy summit, did sgt crowley demand mr. obama show proper id when he arrived at the white house? alien truth
as usual we lunar lager lovers are perplexed, why is the president of the united states dropping your economic problems to address this problem??
actually, i got in a fight with my neptunian neighbor, can i go to the white house and drink, I mean work things out?
ack ack
 

he earthlngs it's me your alien friend
here's an orbital observation for you?
it's not easy being a lab rat on your blue planet
and now it's about to get harder
recently humanoid brain researchers announced they've figured out how to delete rodent memories
it's true, 
after they teach rats to negotiate the maze they inject them with a drug called zip
and then the furry little 4 leggers instantly forget their hard earned knowledge
this one has us  interstellars stumped? we're confused
conspiracists will suspect evil government campaigns and on the other hand,
if you can remember  your right from left
idealists will promise an end to alzheimers and post traumatic stress syndrome
either way this neural brain wiping/reformat of the hard drive in your head will involve erasing bad memories that wake homo sapiens up in a cold sweat
which could put every working psychiatrist on earth out of business?
this week's thanks for the memories ben, total recall, senior moment, flashback, learn by heart, never to be forgotten, johnny mnemonic,  ratfink,  what do you mean you don't remember?  alien truth
us perplexed planetary ponderers  asked ourselves?the next quantum question
when will they be able to take someone else's memories and give them to you?
"want to speak french? download my brain now!"  only $19.95 plus shipping and handling
ack ack

(alternate ending)

us perplexed planetary ponderers asked ourselves
some strategically placed forgetfullness could be a good thing?
maybe earth's fashion industry needs this drug to erase our memory of wearing mc hammer purple poopy pants or to finally get duran duran's hungry like the wolf out of my head
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
despite our martian mourning over the passing of the greatest moonwalker ever
today it's hats off or should i say space helmets off for a few equally great moonwalkers
it's the 40th anniversary of neil armstrong and buzz aldrin's apollo 11 moonstroll
these humanoids travelled over 240,000 miles one way through the magnificent desolation of space
and all without paying any e470 tolls
as space travellers ourselves we have great respect for these astronuts
who strapped themselves to a 6.5 million pound atlas rocket firecracker
at takeoff it burned 10,000 pounds of fuel per second
which by our cosmic calculation is the same mileage of a 5600 lb chevy suburban suv
one small step for man, one giant leap for a carbon footprint the size of andre the giant
this week's rocketman,  werner von braun, walter kronkite, sting, walking on the moon, rocket in my pocket, sea of tranquility, the eagle has landed,  van allen belt space bacon alien truth
forty years later some earthlings claim the moonwalk was a fake, a hoax
black hole bottom line?  whether real or not
these great feats performed by men wearing deep space diapers
may have been when america was at it's best
you beat the russians to the moon
and 600 million people watched it live on tv
which by today's standards is a lot of youtube views
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
the last few weeks us green goofballs have been perplexed by your planetary politicians' behavior
one sexy governor says she not a quitter and then resigns
but more interesting? the other sexy governor who didn't quit, 
the religious, moralizing south carolina one who got caught giving love to a human he isn't married to
we quantum kooks wonder if politician's high testosterone personalities fuel their political careers like a personal big bang theory?
think hot, dense, expanding and primordial love explosion
and whether it's a new universe or a governor it's over in a few seconds
more confusion….  when spatial statesmen get caught docking up to a different mothership ?
why do they excuse their behavior as a mistake?
we're wondering,,,,how does a humanoid have sex by mistake?
granted the room is dark…..but isn't making the same mistake over and over the definition of insanity?    
this week's don't cry for me argentina, bill clinton, cuckoo for cocoa puffs, slumber party, rudy giuliani,  thomas jefferson, john edwards sex tape, newt gingrich, extreme unction alien truth
we too have made a lunar love mistake
we mistakenly placed our probe in michael jackson and we're so sorry, our mission failed
interstellar infidelity and coming out of the cosmic closet simultaneously
god help me, my inner demon, abusive father, addictive personality,  we've been working too hard on your behalf
ack ack
 

hey earthlings it’s me your alien friend
it’s the fourth of july……the united states biggest birthday party
as always us interstellar  independence day-glos  are bewildered
why are humans so crazy about fireworks?
is it the ultimate patriot act?
your founding fathers did  blow up lots of stuff and more than a few fingers were lost for your freedom
actually?… when we first hovered over a july 4th rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air celebration we thought we were under attack…..and as you know…..we come in pyrotechnic peace baby….
us spacerangers wonder?….this annual fireworks pageantry…. are you attacking yourselves???
fireworks accidents used to kill  600 humanoids a year
but earthlings have evolved and now only have  6.4 fireworks related deaths per year…congratulations
this weeks roman candle,  m80,  captain boom fireworks stand,  cherry bomb, funeral pyre,  c’mon baby light my fire…cracker alien truth
mr. spacely and i know  humans have a soft spot for sparklers
fireworks are kind of safe and sort of permissible but also sort of dangerous and kind of against the law
which makes them immensely appealing to all americanoids
blowing up stuff not only celebrates your freedom,  it certifies it….
a patriotic deed even george washington would have endorsed    
the alientruth.com recommends letting  your red/white and blue freak flag fly
just try not to set it on fire….ok? 
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
this week the alien nation observed the nation you call iran
we were semantically stymied… iranian and alien do sound a lot alike?
but our regular listeners know we're very different
like with facial hair…oh the deep space dissimilarity between aliens, ayatollahs and zztopp
anyway, our spatial scanning revealed iranian citizens are using the internet, twittering to fuel their movement
but we wookie wiretappers also intercepted a tweety transmission from the ayatollah khamenei
cautioning all (non alien)  iranians that he is now following all of them on twitter.
us extraterrestrial planetesimal third rock tweeters checked out his account page and he is indeed following 42,374,000 people
strange???……he only had one follower……. iranian president mahmoud ahmadinejad
this weeks cheap sunglasses, take me to your supreme leader,  she's got a burqha and knows how to use it, abstractdinnerjacket, hands off my nuclear fuel rod alien truth
an interstellar idea…maybe instead of bombs the u.s. should do a daily drop of 50,000  free, fully operable smart phones, satellite dishes, ps2's, laptops and plasma screens
give info hungry iranian humanoids all you got,  both good and bad….. from jon & kate plus 8,  to the discovery channel,  to three's company and grand theft auto
if that doesn't move the movement nothing will
after that? start charging a $99 monthly service fee or simply trade for oil
ack ack

hey earthlings it’s me your alien friend
we usually report on blue planet happenings that have already happened
today us planetary prognosticators will blabber about something that has not yet happened
this coming wednesday…june 24th,  4 days from now, we predict ten thousand terrestrial two leggers will become two wheelers for boulder's bike to work day
cosmic congrats…..you invented the bicycle
proof homo sapiens do have moments of brilliance
it's the most efficient form of man, machine, or animal movement on earth
and for all you tree huggin, lohas lovin',  herbal gerbal types a bike runs on you….
100% organic, renewable and non polluting
the good news? we spacely spectators discovered there’s over 1 billion bicycles on earth
the bad news? during this time mcdonald’s has sold over 100 billion hamburgers worldwide
this weeks two wheels good, four wheels bad, bikesbelong.org, lunar lycra, spokey doke, schwinn cruiser,  fixie, wheeler dealer, and unless you're vecchio's? don’t even think about touching my seatpost alien truth
the alienistas cosmically commend all humanoids who will trade in your petro chemical motors for a mtn bike on wednesday
and thanks in advance to all the local businesses who will provide breakfast commuter stops
you'll find us us venutian velocipeds rolling into liquor mart
where we're planning to belly up to the handle bar and get lubed up without a single drop of oil
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
why are we using the words lipstick, cheap wine, tanning lotion, gardening seeds and spam in the same sentence?
us spatial shoppers are compelled because all these planetary products are launching off store shelves despite your darth vader economic doom and gloom
but today? the lunar leo-tards just want to talk spam….
no…not the 137 venutian viagra emails we got overnite
the gourmet delight in a can you bipedal carbon units call spam
earth dwellers you have no idea how lucky you are
we travel light years for it's galatically glistening pinkness
but find you humanoids buy into it's gelatinous glaze due to financial necessity
for us this is a plutonian paradox
like native americans giving thanks for the earth's bounty
us wookie worshippers say….yes..a pig dies
but honor it as we transport it's canned snout and tongue at lightspeed to the outer limits of the universe
this week's green eggs and spam, mystery meat,  hog butt, gristle, bht, something posing as meat, swine entrails congealed by fire, squeezing a greased pig, spam spam spam spam spam, alien truth
our astral attraction to your last resort of lunch meat is not logical
actually, maybe we do have something in common?
because like aliens spam is mysterious, weird and you really don't know where it comes from
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
planetary probing rule number #1
if you need a friendly humanoid,  to take you to their leader,  it's safest to look for the smiling ones
we recently observed the virginia dept of motor vehicles is wiping the grins off human faces in their drivers license photos
it's an effort to develop super secure drivers licenses, hi tech facial recognition software will now require a "neutral facial expression"
us deep space datanuts have studied your studies, smiling lowers blood pressure, increases immunity and delivers more endorphins. they say smiling is good for you   
but we're puzzled? when your human cousins…. primates , smile and  show their teeth it's a submission signal?
now when a homo sapien smiles at me?   all i see is a chimpanzee begging for it's life?
oh the interstellar irony of this spacey self contradicting smile ban
this weeks cheshire grin, toothy smirk, dr zaius, grill, you look like the cat that swallowed the canary, cloud 9, we thought it took more muscles to frown than to smile alien truth
us spacesquatters are really confused
maybe humans sans smile is right? i mean how often do you smile when you get pulled over?
and if facial recognition software can't identify someone who's smiling
then you're hosed if al qaeda ever learns to use smiling subterfuge
remember……when smiles are outlawed only outlaws will smile
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
there's one thing that scares the bejezus out of us martian mooncalves?
no, not slim whitman songs, or will smith and tommy lee jones in black suits
it's zombies
these mythical, soul of the dead creatures spook us spatial sluts
not long ago,  life on earth was so much simpler
zombies were just mobs of reanimated corpses seeking to kill, eat or infect humanoids
us neptunian namby pambies knew what to be afraid of
but your blue planet pop culture continues to evolve and now there's all sorts of zombie'ist threats out there
you've had zombie computers, then there was zombie banks and now?  zombie car companies
voodoo economic auto manufacturers like chrysler and gm that are supposed be dead?
are still moving around with that slow zombie esque shambling gait looking for a black hole bailout from you
this week's night of the living dead, white zombie, rob zombie, banshee, dead man walking,  this land is your land, this land is my land,  the cranberries, (insert gratuitous dick cheney zombie reference here),  you got a 6 billion zombie dollar handout handy?  alien truth
what really confuses us non flesh eating exraterrestrials?
how can your stock market go up after zombie gm announces bankruptcy?
isn't this spockoliciously illogical?
or maybe it's the same logic that after drinking all night.  you feel so much better after you puke
ack ack

how about an alternate ending this week?

what really confuses us non flesh eating extraterrestrials?
your data shows there's not enough new car buyers and too many u.s. car companies
so to balance your internal combustion supply and demand
wouldn't it make more sense to blow the head off of zombie chrysler?
cmon….weren't they responsible for the pt cruiser?
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
lately…. too much happening for even us deep space ding dongs to follow
we're cosmically cornfused by u.s. car companies going down,
banks vs tarp loans vs. credit card companies, world wrestling vs. the nba vs. bolder boulder
but us, or should i say we, spacekooks must follow the binary star broadcast radio rules and only talk about one thing
so today's winner is ida, purported to be the missing link in human evolution
she's  a 47mm year old fossilized skeleton of a monkey 
actually we've orbitally observed some homo sapiens  use this verbage to describe their mother in law
wait… we thought rush limbaugh was the missing link?
anyway, ida, found in germany is the most complete primate fossil ever with fingernails, opposable thumbs, forward facing eyes and looking closely?  it kind of resembles dick cheney?
this week's lance link,  monkey business, bananas, mutate, survival of the fittest, substitute my coke for gin, punctuated equilibrium, divine function, ms. g,  work of art, intelligent design, young earth creationism, darwin was a nazi  alien truth
the green gazers think it'll be fun watching scientists and creationists wrestle it out over this one
the interstellar information hounds found out one unannounced detail
ida was found holding a mastercard. she now owes a quadrillion quintillion dollars because she was only paying the monthly minimum
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
it's no deep space secret that many of you humanoids have lost your shirt in the stock market
but us hovering halcyons noticed…. there's still a few dozen more shirts in your closet
most which you haven't worn since what?…..the first star trek movie came out??
anyway….cosmic cash is king but now blue planet barter may now be the king of kings
yes, the world of barter is pulling in homo sapiens faster than a bernie madoff investment fund
proof? the barter section of craigslist has doubled in size?
humans are sitting on a terrestrial trove of tradable treasures
now you can barter those old shirts for maybe some made in boulder/herbal gerbil gluten free baked goods and feel good about it
oh the interstellar irony….earthly materialism/consumerism has transformed your planet into a giant swap meet
this week's even steven, logrollling, back scratching, one good turn deserves another, give me back my marbles, assless, oops i mean cashless transaction alien truth
if you're like my lucy in the sky shipmates
and cosmically confused by complex subprime financing instruments
then in tough economic times barter is the simple answer
you want sustainability swap your sweaters for housesitting
you want authenticity? then get paid for your services with 50lbs of martian meat
now if we could just trade that earthling dick cheney for a case of shamwows…..
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
us neptunians have noticed, this sunday is a big day
it's the biggest restaurant day of the year
the biggest floral day of the year
welcome to mothers day on planet earth
our radarian research shows your custom of mother worship goes all the way back to the ancient greek gods
but sniff sniff….for us? this sunday is empty…

like the deep vacuum of space
because us extraterrestrial types are orbital orphans,
it's a momless hatching kinda thing
think chicken meets egg meets astro ant farm meets the borg, it's not pretty
oh to be a mammal…..
but don't feel sorry for us alientruth.com'ers
because unlike humans us de-mothered martians never  have to deal with the human tradition of  mom guilt to keep us in touch with our feelings
this weeks she's a mutha, lactation,  mumsy, breakfast in bed,  femalien, hallmark,  mother in law, mother tongue, mother nature, mother lode, mother superior, mommy dearest, motherland, mothertrucker,  mamas got a brand new what? alien truth
since mother earth's economy needs some octomom'esque reproduction
us non-gestated greenones suggest going out and spending some money on your mom
perhaps a greeting card? or jump start your economy with some flowers or chocolates
but please, whatever you do, don't buy her a snuggie       
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
it's been a frightening week for us spacefreaks
you've made us afraid of sick pigs, but frankly? we're more afraid of your sick banks
because one thing we've learned about your planet?
big numbers equals big money and that equals big and porky banks
us green goofballs are amazed
your earthly mega banks have been makin bacon and announced huge profits
but it's ion rocket irony…..banks are bank because of  bailouts, doctoring their balance sheets
proof? and this is true, us astral accountants recently discovered wells fargo bank legally categorized a $100billion asset in a column called "other"
for once, the bankers are cosmically confusing you humans more than us?

it's like you just found out darth vader is your father and he's broke
worse…..you've got  $700bb on you and a busted light sabre
this week's j.p. morgan, citibank, goldman has your sack,  oops i mean your back,  piggy bank conspiracy, luke i'm your father and you've made me rich alien truth
earthlings….please don't worry. your government has not taken over your black hole banking system
it's  the other way around
it appears wall street bankers are now running the show
like evil aliens they've infiltrated your government
and are now using a spatial shell game of ill hogs and weird capitalistic disaster to finally take control
ack ack

alien truth fan phil d. sends some of his green and graphically designed dowhill love.  nice work.....

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
just a few days ago we probed a national press club event where former nasa astronaut edgar mitchell claimed extraterrestrial life exists
and he should know as part of the 1971 apollo moon mission
actually, i think i remember doing a fly by on this guy's space capsule back then just to freak him out
it's no cosmic coincidence mitchell was born in roswell, new mexico. 
he's an extraterrestrial expert from birth and knows we're out there
cmon….if homo sapiens can believe in god can't you believe in aliens too?
frankly,  we  planned on coming out this year but passed after hearing your govt is  proposing an "outer space guest tax"
this weeks astronut, alienation, hands off my red hot heat shield, i'm an interplanetary idiot, captain kirk, nigerian spam scam,  ground control to major tom alien truth
moonboy mitchell is right, we do exist
you see i'm from a universe 80 light years away
my spacecraft  crashed in a place called nigeria and my identify papers were destroyed
before arriving my mothership set up an account with $1.9mm dollars in it
but i can't open my account without my i.d.
if any listeners could loan me $250k u.s. dollars
i would access my account and turn the remaining amount over to you
you can claim your money at thealientruth.com
please leave your date of birth, social security and credit card number
ack ack

hey earthlings it's me your alien friend
us space capsule kooks watch and wonder about human dog love
dogs get more attention than your president
and maybe deservedly so…..
earthly studies show that 18 minutes of dog petting can actually boost a human's immune system
so your commander in chief and family can stroke their bo dog to protect their bodies from foreign invaders
unlike former white house inhabitant dick cheney who'd rather waterboard a waterdog to protect from foreign invaders
anyway,  us dogstar constellationists are perplexed

at what homo sapiens do for dogs
did you know that a 14 yr old, 50lb canine  costs you $12,460?
you're in the economic doghouse eating 99 cent fast food burgers
and your dog is eating salmon
oh the interstellar irony
this week's  4 legs good, two legs bad, give a dog a bone, they lick themselves because they can,  bow wow, watch me come when you whistle, scoobie doo, snoopy, huckleberry hound, 101 dalmations, marmaduke, red rover red rover let dick cheney come over alien truth?
the extraterrestrial evolutionist's rule of thumb is the hairier the species the lower on your genetic totem pole
which explains the highly advanced nature of dolphins and telly savalas
thealientruth.com believes dogs are the exception,  they're hairier but smarter than most humans
because no matter where we land it's always the dogs that are the happiest to see us
woof woof
ack ack

this has got to be the best email i've ever received from curt and cathy bradner of thirst-aid.org

please gratefully enjoy.......

“Burma Heads” in Thailand.

I never had a name to put to it before but now I do.  It’s what happens to some of us who stay inside Burma too long.  We look over our shoulder a lot.  We tend to whisper whenever we talk about politics.  We’re absolufuckinglutly amazed when we finally leave the Dark Empire and dial a phone number and connect on the first try.  We often spend our first day in the light zoned out in our hotel rooms watching CNN and BCC and if we can simultaneously access the web we often overload and are found frozen with stupid grins on our faces and severe carpel tunnel syndrome.  Taxis with windows that roll up and down amaze us.  Ankles, shoulders and god forbid exposed thighs can send us into shock.

I haven’t written much in the last 11 months.  For awhile it was because we were just too busy dealing with the aftermath of the cyclone but more recently it’s been because I really didn’t know whether or not I should, or could, or if anyone cared, or if I would actually be able to email what I wrote if I wrote anything.  Amazing things have happened in the last months but I really just didn’t have any perspective on them until now.  I had Burma Head.

Now we’re in Thailand.  I’ve had a week to soak up 24 hour a day electricity, wireless internet, free press, global news, girls in mini-skirts, men in shorts, people laughing in public, public transportation that doesn’t border on human rights violations, a cell phone connection that works cheaply and effortlessly (you have no idea how wonderful it is to be able just ring up a friend or loved one and chat until you’ve been denied the luxury for months on end) and just a boatload of other things that much of the world takes for granted (running water, health care that doesn’t involve voodoo, political satire, street protests that don’t go postal) and I finally feel like writing.

We’ve begun a great project in the town of Sagaing.  Despite the fact that Sagaing has absolutely none of the wonderful attributes described in the above paragraph we had a great time working there with a woman’s cooperative and the Department of Cottage Industries.  Everyday began with the sound of horse hooves clopping past our hotel and ended with the sound of generators being turned on as the city cuts its electricity after about 8pm.  Clay was delivered to our filter factory by ox cart, (something like $5 per ox cart of red clay and $6 for gray clay), wood by horse cart and humans by foot or bicycle.  As usual, O turned heads and made us tons of friends and carried Cathy and I to Mandalay twice a week so we could get an internet connection (on good days) and buy a bottle or two of red wine to carry us through the week (living in little backwater villages is a pretty good cure for alcohol abuse!)  At some point I’m really hoping we can get a web page up that is devoted solely to this project as it’s really quite unique – plus the pictures will do much more to explain it than I care to attempt with words.

We are being cautiously optimistic about our future this summer.  As most of you know we’ve hired a Myanmar national to take over Thirst-Aid Myanmar (now known as TAM) and we’re hoping once again to spend a whole summer in the US building up program support, seeing our families and just soaking up some more of that 24 hour electric, laughter, and mini-skirt stuff (did I just make a joke? – wow, Burma Head must really be wearing off!).  We’ve both got a bit more to do in Myanmar but Cathy will be back in the states in late May and I’ll be back in early July.  Keep your fingers crossed and make a plea to your favorite deity that there are no more natural disasters in Myanmar at least until summer’s over and hopefully we’ll get a chance to see most of you on this email list.

Best regards – No Bad Days

cnc

lately, followers of thealientruth have been sending photos so we are cosmically compelled to share. thanks to earthling nathan and traderjoe's for their spatial submission.